The Old Maid

Cat. #1332 (MFH #65) - As sung by Beverly Kirkpatric, Fort Smith, Arkansas on July 11, 1969

I'll tell to you th burglar man
Who went to rob a house
He climbed right thru th windows
Just as quite as a mouse
He hid 'imself in under th bed
An' lay up close to th wall
He didn't know it was an old maids room
For he wouldn't 'ev had th gall
The old maid she came prancing in
I am so tired she said,
Then she forgot her custom plate
To go an' look under th bed

She pulled out her teeth an' her big glass eye
An' th hair right off of 'er head
Th burglar, he had seventeen fits
When he looked from under th bed
From under th bed th burglar crept
He was a total wreck
The old maid she spied him
N' she grabbed him by th neck
She didn't faint or scream at all
But just a cool as a clam
She said, my prayers are answered
N' at last I've found a man
Then she pulled out her pis-tol
An' this to him she said,
Young man, if you don't marry me
I'll blow off the top of your head

Th burglar looked in his dismay
He saw no place to scoot
He looked at her hair, her teeth an' her eye
N' he siad, for God's-sake, shoot